Quotable Quotes

I'm gonna make love even when I'm dead
Your body might get cold, but it's always hot in my bed
Make love, don't you be afraid
Just because my heart ain't beating, it don't mean you won't
get laid.
-Chef [sings to Thriller beat as a zombie]

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

15 things you should never get caught doing in the mall

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1. For all the guys out there, never get caught staring at the ladies' section. Its embarrassing, seriously !!

2. For all the queers out there, stop staring at the mannequins. It might seem normal to straight people, but apparently, it's embarrassing.

3. August 3rd, 1853, 11:07:15 : "The Elevator is just a machine for transport and any unnecessary actions, like farting in an elevator just for the heck of it, can lead to imprisonment under a Court of Law" - Elisha Graves Otis
August 3rd, 1853, 11:07:25 : "Goddamnit, what did that bastard think ?! For Heaven's sake, it's closed !!!.....From all sides !!!!"

4. If in a crowd of more than 4 people and you want to show off your baals, you do not say : "I got a new girl friend, w00t !!".
Why not in a mall ?? Cause it's simply too crowded.

5. If its the first time you are buying condoms, you are not to ask help for sizes. And NO, you cannot try them on !!!

6. Do NOT piss in the car park. Trust me, it's not worth it.
However, you can piss anywhere if held at gun-point. It's just tough making someone do that to you !!

7. If you thought holding two melons chest high was funny, think again. And even if you did, trust me, it's not worth it.

8. Do not go around trying to woo people into buying bio-technologically enhanced products. As I just learnt, apparently it doesn't work(not the products shine-head, this marketing strategy !!). The boom jus ain't comin that way fellas.

9. It's highly advised not to stalk people in malls. No, not because it will disturb the general public and result in you being behind bars, but because its tough to stalk in such a crowded place, you know. Its tiring, besides.

10. Never shout into the P.A system for a Jack/Jill (an arbit guy/girl) to report there immediately.
No, It is a good idea. But no one ever comes !!! If at all they do, you better not be there !!

11. Contaminating the sauce in a food court is a nice idea, but I already did it, so don't.

12. Don't ever dump your bf/gf when in a mall. Its really embarrassing for him/her. But its nice fun *grin*...

13. Wipe that smirk of your face, when in a mall. People might think you are on drugs !!

14. It ain't funny trying to trip people while you hide behind the ornamental weed. No, actually it is. But please don't do it.

15. Don't get ice cream. Get yourself some Kaapi, fella.

Friday, July 11, 2008

The Love Hexagonal - contd...

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Hence the Tight(Pants)Club was formed. It grew larger and larger and sporadically spread across the entire nation. The more powerful it got, the more our young hero dreamt about being a part of it. Yes, MS was kind of turning gay. Thanks to Carlos and his seductive talks, it finally worked. But he still seemed to have a place in his heart for his original love, SS. True, he couldn't forget her. Even though he did leave her for being so dumb, he later realized it was no fault of hers.
'She can't help it if she's blond', he pondered.'After all, is being blond a crime. Is it really a crime being blond? Maybe the hair takes up the brains' grey glory to get that golden color. G for Grey, G for Golden. That makes sense !!! Ughhh. Goddamnit, where do such crappy ideas come from? Marijuana is bad(, mckay ?)' And hence went MS's stoned and almost dying brains. It was totally incoherent.......totally dude !!
Through these 'insightful' thoughts of MS, he did realize the love he had for SS. But we didn't call it DoomsDay for nothing. For this was the same day that Carlos had talked to our hero about joining the club and yes, this was the same day that MS met J.Lo. a.k.a Jackass (of a) Lover.

J.Lo was one of the few not-so-into-being-hip kinda girls, who would usually spend their evenings arguing about the intricacies in the plot of a recently released book at their weekly Book Club, rather than get wasted and spend the rest of the night creating a mess (and then spend the next day Cleaning it up). They were the ones who would rather sit and study their Ivy League college syllabus than go out and enjoy the scintillating show that Nature had put on for us !! She was the nerd !!
Being the nerd she was required her to take up social service as a nerdy show-off necessity. And it was on one such day, that she met MS. He was as usual wandering in the park, alone, thinking of what could be done to reverse the damages to Carlos or SS.
He was quite sure Carlos would receive him with open arms (or an open something else, at least), but what about SS. Did she hate him for what he had done to her, or would she .... there she was, singing out to him, asking him to come towards her, asking him to take her in his arms and kiss her like he had never kissed anyone before (which, by the way, he hadn't). And so he did it. He kissed her like this was his only chance he would ever get. He tasted her lips, he drank it's essence and felt it's sweetness trickling down his throat, the juice oozing into his mouth. So much so that you could say he was 'milking' the situation.
That's when J.Lo saw him. And through her beautiful eyes, all she could see was a middle aged car fervently 'relishing' the last few scoops of what, everyone else knew, was ice-cream, and of what, our hero thought, was his lover !! She liked him. She saw the beauty, the passion in what he was doing. She saw the dripping swab of ice-cream and thought the way it fell was cute. Goddamnit, if you still haven't got it, J.Lo was in love !! And like every nerdy lover would have done, she leaped up in joy only to land into a song sequence. Surrounded by over 30 internationally acclaimed dancers, who had no better job than to travel all the way to Las Anjale and dance to the Greatest Love Story of 'em all. She danced. She danced with MS, like a psycho serial killer would, with his 100th victim. She danced in glee, clearly rejoicing every moment with him.
MS didn't mind being with her. He pitied her for the thing she was and hence ended up spending considerable amounts of time with her. As a result he began noticing the weirdness in her nature. The nerdy flavour that flowed in their conversations, like mist on a bright morning, was noticeable, yet MS never knew where it came from. They went out together. It had been 3 months since DoomsDay. The naive bastard was falling into a deep, bottomless well of remorse, and he didn't even know about it.

It is at times like these that fate plays a crucial role, something totally unexpected. It was about to strike eleven at the 'hip' bar in Las Anjale(Yeah, the same old bar where MS saw SS last...... No, there are no other bars in Las Anjale, what you gonna do about it tough guy ?!). MS could see a familiar figure walking towards him, but the charm of the alcohol in his veins wouldn't let him recognize it. The faceless figure just sat next to him and put its hand on his. MS felt like being lifted and slammed against the table. A jolt traveled through his body. He knew only one person could do that to him. It was SS. When MS was falling in love, without even knowing it, SS appeared out of nowhere. Worse was the fact that he was with J.Lo. Yes, J.Lo was watching all this with intense concentration. But due to the fact that she was a nerd, she couldn't understand the heck of what was happening between the long lost pair. She just stared at them, but with so much attention, it looked like she was counting the warts on their noses.
"How are you, MS ?", asked SS, in a tone that was inviting enough to leave MS overwhelmed with joy.
"I.. I..Iam..gr...great". He managed to get the words out with great difficuty. There must have been some problem with his gear box, and it seemed to have caused the stammering.
J.Lo was so mesmerized by SS's beauty, she just couldn't stop herself from staring at her.
"Who's this ?",asked SS, quite perturbed by J.Lo's stunned response to her arrival.
"She...She's my frie....friend."
"Would you buy me a drink ?"
"Wh..Why, sure !!"
"But why would you buy her one ?". It was J.Lo. She had woken up from her stupor.
"J. This is SS. She's my girl friend", MS proudly stated. SS blushed at this point.
J.Lo, having been insulted by the new entry and having realized that she's got no chance now, got up and walked away. On seeing this however, SS got confused and asked MS,
"Are you sure she's just a friend".
"Well, we...we kinda ma....made out before."
"Holy crap of Benjamin Franklin !!!".
"Wh..what ? Ben....Benjamin Franklin ?". MS was startled by the sudden inclusion of Franklin in a routine conversation.
"It's 'shock' ing news you know !!"
It was then that he realized that something was still wrong with SS. She was far more brilliant now. She was still a blond. But she was..... that's right, geeky !!
"Tell me SS. Wh....where had you been aaall....all this time ?", he enquired.
"Harvard. I was doing automobile engineering."
He was shocked. She had done it, for him. 'She has sacrificed her virginity to get into Harvard', he thought. He knew she couldn't have got there any way else. 'Wait, she must have lost her virginity before that ! Isn't that why she's called SS ?'.
He felt the sudden attraction towards SS. He wasn't, indeed, anymore falling into the dark nerdy well of J.Lo, but had gotten hold of a rope called SS and tugged at it to move towards the light. He finally felt the urge to kiss her, something he had been missing for quite some time now. The lights dimmed, as if by divine intervention, to protect the couple's privacy. The Blush had rented MS's checks and was adamant to stay there forever. The stage was set, it was now time for the lips to play their part. They were almost in contact. They could feel each other's breath, when all of a sudden MS puked.
"Did you even brush your teeth today ?", he gasped for fresh air.
"Outrageous", she thundered. And then making up her mind to answer the question put forward anyway, "Of course, I did".
"Aaaghh. That almost killed me".
"What? I think its your engine oil. Here let me take a check".
She started the check-up even before he could realize what was happening.
"Your engine", she said.
"It's spoilt from all that alcohol intake". She looked worried.
There was a caring tone in what she said that made MS like her. He seemed to have made his mind up. Geek or blond, she was to be his wife. And that's that.
"Now that you're here, I guess we have no problem", he smiled, relieved.

And they lived happily ever after.

P.S: The time referred to as 'ever after' lasted only for 28 days, after which SS rolled out of bed, jumped onto her menstrual cycle and ran MS's ass over....