Quotable Quotes

I'm gonna make love even when I'm dead
Your body might get cold, but it's always hot in my bed
Make love, don't you be afraid
Just because my heart ain't beating, it don't mean you won't
get laid.
-Chef [sings to Thriller beat as a zombie]

Wednesday, August 20, 2008


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Its ten o clock in the morning. The sun's already up and burning. It was only then did I realize the validity of the phrase 'India Shining'. My shirt's stuck to my back, soaked in my sweat. The sight however was stupendous. It was glaringly amazing, like in the wild wild west movies. Wait a minute, the feel however did not match wild wild west. It was more of a 'Sudrence in Arabia' types. Not even a hint of a breeze. Vayu was supposedly dead, rather, just never existed in this part of India. To top this all, I was actually out for a smoke. My mind wanted its share of nicotine to assume its relaxed state. But my now-totally-wet and tired body couldn't take the heat. Its really haunting, the fact that you are holding something worth 7 rupees and more importantly, an aid to soothe your mind, and that you are actually planning to throw it away. 'I could atleast put it off and keep the rest', I tried convincing myself. 'But what if some wayward Prof actually saw you smoking and might even have the time to frisk you for evidence. It could spell a sem back, dude', was the reply. Trust me, back then, a simple 'NO' could have convinced me. So, shattered by the bereavement of the magic stick, I began my doomed walk back towards 'shadier' heavens. The closest one I could spot was around 100 metres away. I made a dash for it, knowing it was now or never. I would get there, or die trying. I could visualise the dreamland the shades promised me. Fake gulps of water went down my throat, it could have been due to the vivid visualisation. A smirk broke across my sweaty face as I tried to reason why that would happen. My brain seemed to know what to do. It was preparing for hibernate mode. I was running out of steam. But that wasnt the end of my woes. It had been a considerable amount of time since I started running and still hadnt reached the promised land. It was then that I realised that my eyes were playing with me. The closest spot of retirement was now 100 m away. Undeterred by the smirk-wiping news, I continued my dash. This had to be the longest lasting dash in my entire life, or so it seemed. And so tiring, so very tiring that I just couldnt complete the entire stretch in one go. I had covered approx 85m when I clearly had lost all idea of what was happening, most probably due to the lack of glucose for my brain (or as well-read people call it, food for thought :). With just 15m left, I felt exactly how Usain Bolt would have felt at Beijing this year. Except that the bastard slowed down to complete the remaining length, and I completely stopped. I couldn't take it. Bending down and panting for life, I was a goner. And as my luck would have it, thats when a bee decided to sting me !!!!

It was ten past ten in the morning. The sun was already up and burning.My shirt was stuck to my back, soaked in my sweat.It was a 'Sudrence in Arabia'. Not even a hint of a breeze. I had run 150m like a madman. And that is precisely when a bee decides I need to be stung !!! I screamed. I screamed in exhilarating pain. At last, something to divert my attention of the heat. I screamed. I screamed to thank the bee. It had actually done some good, even though it could have meant the dehydration of a drop of honey(what a loss to beekind( it was that frieking hot, but you get the idea)). I screamed. I screamed to inform the other worldly aliens that we were here. They needed to know. I broke down. I fell down in a heap. I thought of you. I smiled. I blogged.

Friday, August 8, 2008

Crape Diem Baby !!!

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CRAPE DIEM BABY - This is what I could think of, when I dreamt that I spent an entire day trying to get the red signal at my arse working.

And all, I dreamt, I could hear then - Tick Tock, Tick Tock, Tick Tock !!

Update : Watch Jeff Dunham's shows. They made me laugh so much, it was actually Crape Diem Baby. 'Goddamn ventriloquilists. They piss me off.' :D

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

15 things you should never get caught doing in the mall

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1. For all the guys out there, never get caught staring at the ladies' section. Its embarrassing, seriously !!

2. For all the queers out there, stop staring at the mannequins. It might seem normal to straight people, but apparently, it's embarrassing.

3. August 3rd, 1853, 11:07:15 : "The Elevator is just a machine for transport and any unnecessary actions, like farting in an elevator just for the heck of it, can lead to imprisonment under a Court of Law" - Elisha Graves Otis
August 3rd, 1853, 11:07:25 : "Goddamnit, what did that bastard think ?! For Heaven's sake, it's closed !!!.....From all sides !!!!"

4. If in a crowd of more than 4 people and you want to show off your baals, you do not say : "I got a new girl friend, w00t !!".
Why not in a mall ?? Cause it's simply too crowded.

5. If its the first time you are buying condoms, you are not to ask help for sizes. And NO, you cannot try them on !!!

6. Do NOT piss in the car park. Trust me, it's not worth it.
However, you can piss anywhere if held at gun-point. It's just tough making someone do that to you !!

7. If you thought holding two melons chest high was funny, think again. And even if you did, trust me, it's not worth it.

8. Do not go around trying to woo people into buying bio-technologically enhanced products. As I just learnt, apparently it doesn't work(not the products shine-head, this marketing strategy !!). The boom jus ain't comin that way fellas.

9. It's highly advised not to stalk people in malls. No, not because it will disturb the general public and result in you being behind bars, but because its tough to stalk in such a crowded place, you know. Its tiring, besides.

10. Never shout into the P.A system for a Jack/Jill (an arbit guy/girl) to report there immediately.
No, It is a good idea. But no one ever comes !!! If at all they do, you better not be there !!

11. Contaminating the sauce in a food court is a nice idea, but I already did it, so don't.

12. Don't ever dump your bf/gf when in a mall. Its really embarrassing for him/her. But its nice fun *grin*...

13. Wipe that smirk of your face, when in a mall. People might think you are on drugs !!

14. It ain't funny trying to trip people while you hide behind the ornamental weed. No, actually it is. But please don't do it.

15. Don't get ice cream. Get yourself some Kaapi, fella.

Friday, July 11, 2008

The Love Hexagonal - contd...

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Hence the Tight(Pants)Club was formed. It grew larger and larger and sporadically spread across the entire nation. The more powerful it got, the more our young hero dreamt about being a part of it. Yes, MS was kind of turning gay. Thanks to Carlos and his seductive talks, it finally worked. But he still seemed to have a place in his heart for his original love, SS. True, he couldn't forget her. Even though he did leave her for being so dumb, he later realized it was no fault of hers.
'She can't help it if she's blond', he pondered.'After all, is being blond a crime. Is it really a crime being blond? Maybe the hair takes up the brains' grey glory to get that golden color. G for Grey, G for Golden. That makes sense !!! Ughhh. Goddamnit, where do such crappy ideas come from? Marijuana is bad(, mckay ?)' And hence went MS's stoned and almost dying brains. It was totally incoherent.......totally dude !!
Through these 'insightful' thoughts of MS, he did realize the love he had for SS. But we didn't call it DoomsDay for nothing. For this was the same day that Carlos had talked to our hero about joining the club and yes, this was the same day that MS met J.Lo. a.k.a Jackass (of a) Lover.

J.Lo was one of the few not-so-into-being-hip kinda girls, who would usually spend their evenings arguing about the intricacies in the plot of a recently released book at their weekly Book Club, rather than get wasted and spend the rest of the night creating a mess (and then spend the next day Cleaning it up). They were the ones who would rather sit and study their Ivy League college syllabus than go out and enjoy the scintillating show that Nature had put on for us !! She was the nerd !!
Being the nerd she was required her to take up social service as a nerdy show-off necessity. And it was on one such day, that she met MS. He was as usual wandering in the park, alone, thinking of what could be done to reverse the damages to Carlos or SS.
He was quite sure Carlos would receive him with open arms (or an open something else, at least), but what about SS. Did she hate him for what he had done to her, or would she .... there she was, singing out to him, asking him to come towards her, asking him to take her in his arms and kiss her like he had never kissed anyone before (which, by the way, he hadn't). And so he did it. He kissed her like this was his only chance he would ever get. He tasted her lips, he drank it's essence and felt it's sweetness trickling down his throat, the juice oozing into his mouth. So much so that you could say he was 'milking' the situation.
That's when J.Lo saw him. And through her beautiful eyes, all she could see was a middle aged car fervently 'relishing' the last few scoops of what, everyone else knew, was ice-cream, and of what, our hero thought, was his lover !! She liked him. She saw the beauty, the passion in what he was doing. She saw the dripping swab of ice-cream and thought the way it fell was cute. Goddamnit, if you still haven't got it, J.Lo was in love !! And like every nerdy lover would have done, she leaped up in joy only to land into a song sequence. Surrounded by over 30 internationally acclaimed dancers, who had no better job than to travel all the way to Las Anjale and dance to the Greatest Love Story of 'em all. She danced. She danced with MS, like a psycho serial killer would, with his 100th victim. She danced in glee, clearly rejoicing every moment with him.
MS didn't mind being with her. He pitied her for the thing she was and hence ended up spending considerable amounts of time with her. As a result he began noticing the weirdness in her nature. The nerdy flavour that flowed in their conversations, like mist on a bright morning, was noticeable, yet MS never knew where it came from. They went out together. It had been 3 months since DoomsDay. The naive bastard was falling into a deep, bottomless well of remorse, and he didn't even know about it.

It is at times like these that fate plays a crucial role, something totally unexpected. It was about to strike eleven at the 'hip' bar in Las Anjale(Yeah, the same old bar where MS saw SS last...... No, there are no other bars in Las Anjale, what you gonna do about it tough guy ?!). MS could see a familiar figure walking towards him, but the charm of the alcohol in his veins wouldn't let him recognize it. The faceless figure just sat next to him and put its hand on his. MS felt like being lifted and slammed against the table. A jolt traveled through his body. He knew only one person could do that to him. It was SS. When MS was falling in love, without even knowing it, SS appeared out of nowhere. Worse was the fact that he was with J.Lo. Yes, J.Lo was watching all this with intense concentration. But due to the fact that she was a nerd, she couldn't understand the heck of what was happening between the long lost pair. She just stared at them, but with so much attention, it looked like she was counting the warts on their noses.
"How are you, MS ?", asked SS, in a tone that was inviting enough to leave MS overwhelmed with joy.
"I.. I..Iam..gr...great". He managed to get the words out with great difficuty. There must have been some problem with his gear box, and it seemed to have caused the stammering.
J.Lo was so mesmerized by SS's beauty, she just couldn't stop herself from staring at her.
"Who's this ?",asked SS, quite perturbed by J.Lo's stunned response to her arrival.
"She...She's my frie....friend."
"Would you buy me a drink ?"
"Wh..Why, sure !!"
"But why would you buy her one ?". It was J.Lo. She had woken up from her stupor.
"J. This is SS. She's my girl friend", MS proudly stated. SS blushed at this point.
J.Lo, having been insulted by the new entry and having realized that she's got no chance now, got up and walked away. On seeing this however, SS got confused and asked MS,
"Are you sure she's just a friend".
"Well, we...we kinda ma....made out before."
"Holy crap of Benjamin Franklin !!!".
"Wh..what ? Ben....Benjamin Franklin ?". MS was startled by the sudden inclusion of Franklin in a routine conversation.
"It's 'shock' ing news you know !!"
It was then that he realized that something was still wrong with SS. She was far more brilliant now. She was still a blond. But she was..... that's right, geeky !!
"Tell me SS. Wh....where had you been aaall....all this time ?", he enquired.
"Harvard. I was doing automobile engineering."
He was shocked. She had done it, for him. 'She has sacrificed her virginity to get into Harvard', he thought. He knew she couldn't have got there any way else. 'Wait, she must have lost her virginity before that ! Isn't that why she's called SS ?'.
He felt the sudden attraction towards SS. He wasn't, indeed, anymore falling into the dark nerdy well of J.Lo, but had gotten hold of a rope called SS and tugged at it to move towards the light. He finally felt the urge to kiss her, something he had been missing for quite some time now. The lights dimmed, as if by divine intervention, to protect the couple's privacy. The Blush had rented MS's checks and was adamant to stay there forever. The stage was set, it was now time for the lips to play their part. They were almost in contact. They could feel each other's breath, when all of a sudden MS puked.
"Did you even brush your teeth today ?", he gasped for fresh air.
"Outrageous", she thundered. And then making up her mind to answer the question put forward anyway, "Of course, I did".
"Aaaghh. That almost killed me".
"What? I think its your engine oil. Here let me take a check".
She started the check-up even before he could realize what was happening.
"Your engine", she said.
"It's spoilt from all that alcohol intake". She looked worried.
There was a caring tone in what she said that made MS like her. He seemed to have made his mind up. Geek or blond, she was to be his wife. And that's that.
"Now that you're here, I guess we have no problem", he smiled, relieved.

And they lived happily ever after.

P.S: The time referred to as 'ever after' lasted only for 28 days, after which SS rolled out of bed, jumped onto her menstrual cycle and ran MS's ass over....

Saturday, June 28, 2008

The Love Hexagonal

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Disclaimer: The Author/Director is fighting for the Gay Rights Commission Act to be brought to review. Hence, his use of gayness and his method of portraying the Gay in this post/movie is extreme and and can be considered unfit to be watched by .... anyone ?!

The 'hip' city of Las Anjale was witnessing shock for the first time, 'hip'pie style. A group of hippies had just moved into town, but one of its members, mancarhip, as they called him was feared. Word spread like wild fire that the half-human, half-car,half-hippie was roaming the streets of L.A in search of female flesh. The girls were all alarmed and showered their boy friends with abuses if he had a car and was thinking about driving her places. They would rather prefer walking. It become a trend in itself that any outsider who came to L.A was astonished by the 'fitness frenzy' in the city.

And our hero, M.S. aka Mancarhip was the source of all this. He wasn't welcome at any public event or place. Everyone hated him. Women would just run away shreiking in anxiety, as if they had just seen a cockroach !! M.S. became a sad panda...oh sorry...sad car. His engine was on the verge of irreversible collapse and his rpm had reduced to barely a few per min. He was so dejected, he often would fuel himself with high octane petrol and get high !! M.S. was a broken man/car. He was unable to meet anyone, lest a girl to fall in love with, to hold doors open for, to travel to places with. He badly needed someone to play on his gear shaft, to hold his steering wheel, to pat his seats or atleast to bitch-slap his bumper. But no, he wouldn't be able to find one. Or so it seemed until that fateful day. The day they call in history classes now as, DoomsDay.......

It was a bright morning and one of the days when M.S. had to rush to make it before anyone at the Kaapi place or else he wouldn't even be allowed inside. After having inhaled some high octane petrol, he was off to the kaapi shop. He always felt good on kaapi. And there he waited for his Kaapuchino to arrive when Carlos entered the place. M.S. knew Carlos was gay and hence became alarmed. High as he was, he looked more alarmed that he was. And Carlos could see it. He could see M.S.'s entire engine through his head-lights. It was clearly visible.

He made his way to where M.S. was parked and sat next to him.
He said,"Wassup, Musty."

"My name is Mustang Shelby and Iam proud of it !!".
"Iam proud of you too."
"What do you mean ?". He grew even more alarmed and his eyes had become blood-shot by now.
"You have been through the most roughest of times, and still you stand straight, just like a gay man." He barely whispered the last part, and boy!, did he say it with such audacity regardless of the highly repelling smell that emanated from the half-hippie. He had driven the nail home.
M.S. felt he was shaken out of his stoned self and beaten to a pulp. He stood there looking amused, confused, worried. You could never say what he was feeling. He just stared on. It hit him then. Was he supposed to be gay? Is that why he hated blonds. Or was it because they were simply too dumb. Could that explain why he felt half relieved, half mad at why girls ran away when they saw him coming.

"You should have seen the look on his face", Carlos was heard saying to Macho at the Le Johnny Depp Club. It was where they had their weekly Tight(Pants)Club meetings.
No, not because they thought Depp was gay. Well, maybe it was.
The members started coming in for their weekly meeting. One by one, men started assembling in the Hall after uttering something that sounded like, "Hello I am queer and now I am here", which happened to be the week's password. The password however was useless since everyone knew everyone else. This could be due to the close contact. That particular week however, there were a lot of new comers.
The babbling, which had been on for quite some time now, in the Hall, was silenced by Carlos' movement towards the center. The crowd arranged itself around Carlos to listen to what he had to say. After all, he was the brain and the hind, be'hind' this.
Every week Carlos gave the rules that he and Macho had decided.
"Gentlemen, welcome to Tight club." Carlos had the attention of every man in the crowd.
"The first rule of Tight Club is, you talk about the Tight Club." Even the arrival of Champagne could be heard distinctly, as if it were talking for itself to the dumbfounded crowd in front of it.
"The second rule of Tight Club is, you talk about the Tight Club, so that more people can join and we all have more fun."
"The third rule of tight club, someone yells stop, goes limp, taps out, the tightness is over. So no more tighty tighty for you." The crowd laughs at this. One would wonder why any sane man would laugh at such a gay joke, probably also thinking at the same time if the guy who laughed at it was gay himself. Quite true, one would be, quite true.
"Fourth rule, only two guys to a Tight." And then came the retort, "Hey, what if I want a threesome ?" Carlos was becoming furious. "I don't want your sorry ass in here." "Are you sure you don't want it in there ?".They broke into a giggle. A disturbingly girly one at that.
"Fifth rule, one Tight at a time fellas." he continued as if nothing happened. The crowd laughed once more. They were indeed being gay (the happy type, I mean.).
"Sixth rule, no shirts, no shoes." "Well, what did you think, that we were fourth grade kids ?" And they laughed for this too.
"Seventh rule, Tights will go on as long as they have to."
"And the eight and final rule, if this is your first night at Tight Club, you have to Tighten."

......to be continued

Sunday, June 22, 2008

What is this Euro coming to ?!!

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Seriously, what is this Euro coming to ? If you want to make a competition of such panache, such fervor, such passion into a hit you have got to play the favourites in the semi-finals. Not so so teams like Russia or Turkey. Mr. Blatter, next time fix the matches so that only the favourites reach the top four !! Oh, o.k. fine. I was hoping Holland would go on to win this edition after seeing the way they thrashed France(my fav, btw) and Italy.

It was like Holland was destined to win. They were crowned winners even before the match started. The players were jumping in joy as they entered the field. You could see it in their eyes, the pride of having reached the semi-finals. Just that they didn't. So, where did they screw up. After topping the group of death so convincingly, where did they go wrong ? The team didn't make any mistakes, just one traitor did. Guus Hiddink. You can't possibly think that it was all Holland's fault. Russia played amazingly well. After having rendered important Oranje players like Sneijder virtually useless from the very beggining, it was quite surprising that they actually scored quite late in the game. Not to forget the beautiful reply by Holland. The game however went into extra time and then two goals in quick succession left Oranje go blue. And what's with the cascade of goals. Every second match seems to have an unwritten rule that goals have to be scored in cascades, one after the other after the other, in quick succession or else they won't be counted. And mind it, only towards the end of the match, so as to build a suspense for the world-wide viewers. Eventually, the 'winners' were weeping on the field like a bunch of school children and the 'losers' were ecstatic !!

After all this, we wonder did Holland play all that well before. They won against two heavy-weights by huge margins of 3 goals. But can the French and Italian team be considered heavy-weights. Both the teams have had their fair share in the spotlight for playing the oldies. On one hand, the French team was filled with romantic fools who just couldn't bring themselves to kick the ball, because they were so in love with it. This I suppose would be reason enough as to why they scored just one goal in the entire tournament. So where do the goals come from?
French arbit player's reply : Oh !! Passing ze ball to ze other team players is zo romantic !!!
French supporter : Kick ze ball. Whaz are you zoin fatso !!
Italian supporter : It is Fattuso !!

And the Italians on the other hand were like a bunch of mafia lords with their grim serious faces.
So much so that this is how I imagine a situation would have been in the last match of Group-C
Gattuso : I don't think I like this man.
Some arbit French player: Oh, you looks zo romantic in zat shorts gattuso !!
Gattuso : I don't like this man.
Pirlo : (with his fingers folded as if it were a gun) BAM BAM BAM !!!
Gattuso : Where is your gun, you moron !! Look what you've done. Now, I've got to make him an offer he can't resist. Hmmm. What shall I offer ??
The arbit French player : How about your shorts. Zey look very beauuutifuuull.
Gattuso : Hey. You keep away from my shorts. I'll keep away from your family !!(suddenly becoming alert)Hey, you bring the ball any closer, I'll blow your head away.
After all, you can't blame the French for being a peace-loving country.

*Sigh*. May the best team win.

Friday, June 20, 2008

The Love Hexagonal (Trailer)

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(On green screen)The following PREVIEW has been approved for "All audiences who have not yet lost their funny bones entirely to the fake comedian called Adam Sandler", by the Motion Picture Association of Andhapurathu Maharaaja.

The 21st Century Ho(a)x logo appears on the screen with the theme heard, followed by the Amazon KaattuVaasi Sangam Films Ltd. logo with their native war cry heard. The main "The Love Geometrical Figure No.X" theme is heard.

A handsome M.S. and a not-so-beautiful whore are sitting in a restaurant.
M.S: I have always thought you were too weak-hearted for love, Paris.
Paris:(angrily) Too flirty is what I would call it !! Bye bye M.S. (Pours wine all over his arse/rear bumper.) That should make you rusty for a while !!

An evil echoing laughter is heard as the scene fades out and into a brightly lit room, covered with pictures of M.S. in various situations and a few of Will Smith and Michael Jackson. Lots of men are seated around a table.
Carlos: Are you sure, he isn't gay ?
Black Man1: (looks at camera) Are you being a racist ?
Mr. Garrison: What do we do now, Macho.
M.M: (from behind a screen) I don't care. But I'll get my REVENGEEEEEEEEAAAAA.......aaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!!!

Scene switched to the same room but not at same time. This time the men are all standing as if a ceremony is in place. As the camera swirls around the crowd we can see a lot of pants having large blotches of what seems like blood.
Carlos: The first rule of Tight(pants)Club is, you do not talk about the Tight(Pants)Club.
The camera swirls all over the place and clips of men walking hand in hand are seen.
Carlos: The second rule of Tight(Pants)Club is, you do not talk about the Tight(Pants)Club.

S.S wakes up violently from her sleep.
S.S: I need to find out where he is. I didn't go to Harvard for nothing !!

Music picks up pace.
A God-like, booming voice. Wait, its not God, its Cher. : From the makers of "My Girlfriend must be Crazy" and "Rate Me a 6 on 5, Please".

A lonely beach where M.S. seems to be enjoying peace finally.

Cher: And from the Mokkademy Award Winning director of 'The Love Triangle' comes the second installation.

The same beach but M.S. turns left and sees hundreds and hundreds of babes in bikinis running towards him.

Cher: Mokkademy Award nominee Super-Star M.S. in his best.

M.S. turns right and sees Carlos and the Tight(Pants)Club members running towards him. (M.M. is seen far away doing something which is not clearly visible.)

The Love Hexagonal
-Cause, three two's are six.

The Director appears sitting on a chair while his unit is seen to be working behind him.
Director : When every goddamn Hollywood production can have a sequel, why not mine ??

Cher: With special scenes introduced by the Director showing how to make love...ah... hmmm...sorry...showing how to love.

Releasing this summer (in French too as 'The GangBang') in theatres near you.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Musings of a stoned mind

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DISCLAIMER : This article(as far as women are concerned) is extremely S.T.A.L.E - STay Away for the Love of Earth, R.A.W - Read, Away Women and C.H.E.A.P - Chase Her highnEss Away. Period. (no pun intended). Its content can be considered highly inappropriate for women in general, and especially women with weak hearts or S.T.A.L.Er mouths. I take no responsibility for any emotional harm or broken hearts caused by this article, though I don't understand the difference between the two. Any law suits as a consequence of this article shall be held null and void if under the "Court of Sparkles" and any trial held therein shall be considered a waste of time.

We are here, my dear men (hoping that all women are/will be warded off by the disclaimer), to see if today's Indian Women, are really all that socially evolved. In a country that has a taboo on all actions/words even remotely related to sex, be it pre-marital sex, teenage pregnancies(don't they mean the same ??), strip tease clubs(What ? come awn, just because you are in India doesn't mean you cannot know what that is ?), whore house, sex education(hey it didn't exist until 10 yrs back !), I guess this is how a 19 yr old, stoned mind will think.

Do you think women are all that evolved with their odd talks about opening your minds to your soul-mate,relishing one another, all the iggy-wiggy stuff that goes on up there ? (I take it that you didn't even get what I was talking about.) And I'll tell you what, do women have to consider themselves socially advanced because of this in-built defect(as I would like to call it). I would say no.

Not forgetting that we are actually taking the case of Indian women here, let me quote an example from the Indian scriptures where it is stated that there was a time in India when Indian women were free to make to love to whomever they wished. Take the example of Mahabharath. How do you think Ved Vyas was born. And his sons Pandu, Dhritarashtra or Karna for that matter. It is in fact said that men returning from work could know if their wives were free to recieve them only if they didn't spot another man's slippers at his door-step. It was because of the Muslim invasion and the "missionary style" of Christianity that changed it all, that one man married one woman, that India changed, that all Indian women started talking bull-crap.

Its true that we men think from our genitals, but people, we are here to reproduce and fill up Earth. Let's do what we are here for !! Yes, we consider flirting, soul-searching, blah blah as nonsense. And just so you know the same with cuddling. We talk too. But through out eyes. When we give women that sleazy look, we mean to ask, "Will you go to bed with me ?". But no, women can't understand such highly complicated rocket science can they. And even if they do, just to show off their in-born capability, they have to talk you out of it, saying not all women appreciate our eye-signs and that since she was sex-deprived she came, or else no one would have. Making you feel like a sore looser.

Imagine, if Venus was packed with women ready to be shipped of to Earth, how would Mars be. NO, you gay bastards. Not that way. I meant the no-nonsense, free, meaningful world full of small pleasures. Enjoying the early morning walks, the beautiful gardens, the pestering insects, not with a woman, going hay wire about how her friend wanted to take her extra pass to an Oprah show, but a silent man who will enjoy these with you. Happy now? You've made me sound gay !!

P.S : I am not gay !

P.P.S : If you are a woman and have still reached this line, then, it was Sudhanshu's fault. He induced me to write this. Besides I do not have the bollocks to write this. I may not be free to take your comments, whereas, he is.

P.P.P.S : Hey ! Seriously. I am NOT gay !

Sunday, June 15, 2008

Chat over Kaapi

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S: Hey K !! How you doin ?
K: Hi da venna (in Eng: Hi butter !!)(in Hindi: oi makhann !!)(for the general Tamil challenged public: just a way of greeting)
S: What ?
K: That's what my girlfriend calls me.
S: Whoa. But why ?
K: Because I taste well with bread and jam!!..I don't know.
S: So, did you see yesterday's match ?
K: Hmmm.Yeah. But a cheesy finish.
S: What's with the dairy products ?
K: What's with all these questions ? Wanna milk some answers out of me !!!
S: Forget it. So do you watch a lot of cricket.
K: Not much. Why ?
S: I wanted to know what reverse swing was ?
K: But I don't know.
S: Hey, come on. You must be knowing.
K: hmmmm, let's see. Its like, when the bowlers is running real slow.
S: Slow ?!
K: Yeah, mind it. Real slow. That's basically to conserve energy so as to throw the ball real fast.
S: Fast ?!
K: Yeah. And then, the ball gets in a time warp,
S: Time warp ?!
K: And then before you know it, if you get hit in places you consider "too sacred to be hit", your head spins a little. Its like you are on a swing, but gravity seems to be acting from the top. Hence, reverse swing. And when I came to know about this, I was like "No Way. This is a really good way of getting high".
S: Oh! So, what kind of a high do you exactly feel out of weed ?
K: Oh man. You a hippie? Weed doesn't get you high. It makes you feel sleepy.
S: Oh crap !
K: No....... Just sleepy.
S: Forget it.
K: So, did you watch Indiana Jones ?
S: Yeah, unfortunately.
K: Why ?
S: Bollywood produces better movies. The stunt director must have been the one they use for Govinda.
K: Does he even have a stunt director ?
S: Must have one. Was thinking 300 made a better watch. I atleast slept through that !!
K: O.K man. I've got to go. So, ciao.
S: Hey, listen. I had this dream in which I went to class without any clothes on. So...
K: I can tell if your naked.
S: Anyone can. I want you to tell me.
K: That's what I meant.
S: Oh.

Thursday, June 12, 2008

The Love Triangle

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We all know women have their hearts filled with love for their men (provided they have one(I meant the heart) and provided they are straight.). It's different in the case of men though. We have to divide our love amongst various things.

An Average Male's Love Chart

And as you can see, maintaining the balance is tough work.
Jokes apart, what would happen if one of man's longest surviving lover (apart from women), cars had a humanness in them ?

Perhaps there is a Macho Man(M.M) in the most hip night club of Las Anjale (read as L.A.,California) and his girl, the blonde Sexy Slut(S.S), who just loves Macho for 'what he is'. Perhaps Macho has a hip, gas-guzzling, 375 bhp, V-8, 2200 cc Mustang Shelby Eleanor(M.S). Fear not ladies, its just a car !!. Perhaps Shelby's got a heart too, and perhaps he likes The Blonde too. Here's what could happen at the entrance of the 'hip' (i just love using that word !) night club trying to woo the chick.

M.M: Come on bitch, let's go dance !
S.S: Wait .... I think your car's trying to tell me something.
M.M: What are you dumb ?
S.S: Duh!!! I mean, What did you call me ??
M.M: Yeah, I do say my Princess roars...but she can't talk !!
M.S: I am a he.
M.M: What's with your voice, you slutty goose (in case I had forgotten to mention before, M.M has been turning gay for quite some time now, due to unknown reasons and hence the expression)
S.S: It wasn't me, macho maniac (no she ain't gay, just blonde)
M.S: It was me.
M.M: Aaaaahhh...My cars talking. Oh crazy Lord. Whats happening to me.
M.S: Nothing. It's just that I can talk.
M.M: Well, what do you know. A talking car.(to himself) Maybe I would be able to make a fortune out of it. But who's gonna buy him. Maybe Carlos would buy him. Oh Carlos, you would buy him won't you, buddy. Oh man, I can see Carlos ass sitting on this very seat. His round, tight ass. Ooohhh. (Turns around and starts jerking off.)
M.S: Listen lady Slut. I love you to the core of my engine. You are the only fuel I will need to succeed in a race called life.
S.S: Oh, ain't that sweet Macho.
M.M: aaahhhh !!
M.S: I need a change in life. I want to get away from my machine self and be the human I always wanted to be. And I need you to help.
S.S: But we just gave you that change. We had your radio-thingy changed.
M.S: Why don't you understand me !! Huh? Radio-thingy? Oh you mean radiator.
S.S: Whatever. And we even had your pistols repaired.(alarmed) Macho, I think he's got that pistol with him now. I am scared Macho, help.
M.M: aaaaaahhhhhhh!!
M.S: What ? Pistol ? Oh, you mean a piston !! No. No. I don't have a pistol. I am clean.
S.S: Of course you'll be clean,honey. Remember that soap wash I gave you while Macho was talking photos of me.
M.S: He was taking photos of the painter working next door. Not you !!
M.M: aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!
M.S: But don't you remember ? We've had our own fun too, when you went up and down my gear handle.
S.S: Why, you remember that, naughty boy ! But what's that supposed to mean to you.
M.S: Wellll. Lets say man:penis::car:gear handle !!
S.S: What's that supposed to mean, rocket scientist.
M.S: It means you have already had sex with me !!
S.S: Oh. So if I've been your slut once......I guess I can be your slut..... forever.
M.S: Alright !!!!!
S.S: (as she is getting into the car) You know what. Macho's been acting weird. He doesn't even get turned on by me anymore. Maybe he's getting old.
M.S:(frustrated) You know what. Phuck you, dumb bitch. I don't need this human crap. I was content being a car. And Iam goin back.

M.S. drives away without her. M.M zips up and takes S.S. to the night club only to later break up with her (by convincing her that she was gay) and spend the night at Carlos' home.

Disclaimer : All characters in this post, even those based on real people, are entirely fictional.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Is Tarantino really a good film-maker ??

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Yes, we are talking about Quentin Tarantino. How many more Tarantino's do you expect to turn up on Wikipedia......7, would the precise answer, but nevertheless let's see if Tarantino is as good as he is rated.

Some of Tarantino's most famous works include : Pulp Fiction,Kill Bill vols. I and II., Death Proof, Reservoir Dogs (in the order in which I watched them.). The first time anyone watches his movie, its normal if(..no, no, no...)normal only if you think the man's gone crazy. Its not easy to go against trend and that's exactly what Tarantino has done, and that's exactly why you would feel he's a nutter. Precisely, the reason as to why I didn't like Pulp Fiction. It was filled with Tarantino's trademarks. Right from the non-linear story telling (we'll come to that later) to showing close-up's of female characters bare feet ?? (God !! editors on Wikipedia = butt(er) for brains !!(I guess Tarantino's fetish(but these users must have got fetish of his fetish(Iam back !!(:D)))))

The raw violence portrayed in his films are beyond just being raw. The oh-so-hip-80's trend of blood splashing across your screens in Kill Bill-I, or Mr.Blonde cutting of the ear of a policeman or the gruesome way in which the mad stunt-man kills the woman in Death Proof, all make you want to guarantee yourself a place in Heaven.

His most interesting trademark would be the non-linear way of showing his films. It includes flashbacks(Reservoir Dogs), chapters (Kill Bill), simply non-linear(Pulp Fiction) or just nothing but long, boring, made-to-put-you-on-your-death-bed dialogues (Death Proof). The worst and best being non-linear. Non-linear is a style where the time frame portrayed isn't the one as it happened i.e not in chronological order. Or in other words, the ending is shown first, then the intro, then something from the middle, then the post-climax and then if your still watching, pre-climax, or something like that. Watching Pulp Fiction for the first time is as maddening as this:

Cartman(hereby referred to as fat-ass) : Mom
Ms. Cartman's voice : Yes, Dear.
Fat-Ass: Can I make you some sandwiches ?
Ms. Cartman's voice : That's O.K dear....Why don't you go outside and play.
Fat-Ass:(pleads) But Mououououom.
Ms. Cartman's voice: Mommy is busy poopie-kins.
Fat-Ass: (shouts) But Mom. I wanna make some sandwiches for you and that Jewish plumber in your bedroom.
Ms.Cartman:(in her bedroom) :O

Now, that should make you go crazy..... It didn't ?? Then Pulp Fiction should do it !!

With Kill Bill however, you won't have life left in you when you're done with the movie. One thing that really needs appreciation is the O.S.T of this film. Just too good!! Maybe, the only thing that will make you watch the second part is your inquisitiveness to know what happens to the Bride (Uma Thurman). After watching the second part though, I started liking Tarantino's style. Its like, if you are a dog who's been fed only with dog biscuits through-out his life (poor doggie !!) and then you are introduced to salami slices, you might not like the change at first. But, at the end of the day, Salami rules !!

With all that said, I also think this is a bit just too much !!!!

Monday, June 9, 2008

Les Internationaux de France de Roland Garros

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In case you weren't even wondering what that could mean, you're a rotten, good for nothing, should-have-been-consumed-by-a-hungry-mongrel-long-ago carcass, that has been decaying for a minimum time span of a month now !! cause thats when French Open Fever started and that is the word of the day. No, I didn't choose it. ATP did. The title however, would be The French Open ...... in French. Literally it translates to 'French Internationals of Roland Garros'. (Huh?! Retards!!)

People, I learnt something from the French Open this year. "Barking dogs seldom bite". Of course, we were taught that in elementary school, but who would pay attention when the teacher goes on to scientifically explain the reason. I don't wanna know about dogs and their lack of social networking skills.
So, coming back to the point, what I meant was: Federer barked but didn't bite. :D. Everyone thought tennis is going to be as boring as F1 was, if only these two big guys meet on court. (When I refer to F1, I mean the 2000-2005 seasons where only M.Schumacher would win, and the rest would be racing for time-pass. This can also be attributed to the superior Ferrari technology at that time (thats because they spent a lot more than the other teams (I love using parenthesis' inside parenthesis' :D))). So when it came to a point where only Nadal and Federer were reaching the finals of every other open, you expect it to get boring. But WRONG !! It in fact gets even better with only these two fighting for the Title. (Though, I personally think Djokovic deserves to be there too(cause Serbia does spend a lot, atleast on its tennis players(money does matter people!!(somethings gotten into me (:D))))). I did expect equal chances for both of them, but then loosing by straight sets !! You've got to be kidding me !!...You aren't ?? Darn, that's a ..... Guess what ?! I am out of words. That did make Federer stop barking, anyway. He was out of barks, I guess :D .
The win made Nadal only the third player after Bjorn Borg and Ilie Nastase, to ever win the title without loosing a set(in the entire tournament...(without a set...(can you believe it???(yes, I agree. That was uncalled for.(:D))))). He literally left the Swiss in tears. Its like, when Federer is going around, barking to the media that HE feels its HIS year, that he's gonna win everything in sight, Nadal comes up, whacks him in his baals and tells him ......... "Bad Doggie".
Game Over, Feddie boy. (I like calling him that(do you? (:D)))

P.S: The Opens are called so because they were thrown open for professionals and amateurs to play(before that certain tournaments were meant only for amateurs and certain, only for pros(like Wimbledon was only for amateurs(I am loving it(Hope you are !! (:D)))))

Sunday, June 8, 2008

Its Japan-O, Weird-O....

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These are some of the simply amazing ads and products in the Japanese market.
Have fun.

Saturday, June 7, 2008

Arbit cups of Kaapi - I

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1. Assamese are lazy people. And I mean lazy in every sense. One fact that can prove this is:

Area: 78,438 km²
Pop: 26,655,216

Bihar(a state not-so-far off)
Area: 94,164 km²
Pop: 82,878,796

Wait a minute. Maybe this is a result if all those unsold condoms in Bihar.

2. But generally, Indians are lazy. I pondered on this after coming to know that there is this particular tennis stadium called Indian Wells Tennis 'Gardens'. What do you freakin' relax there ? or play tennis?
But just in case you didnt know, Indian Wells is in California, U.S.A

Ha Ha....Gotcha !!!!

3. Hey stop thinking that. I knew Indian Wells was in the U.S.A before I wrote this even.

4. When I was young, mind it very young, I used to think portfolio was some kind of polio. I dont know why ?

5. Back in school, during one of our economics classes, we were being taught about something called 'Volatility Smile'. When one smart guy commented, "Thats when you start losing your money and your smile fades away." His smirk didn't last long either.

6. There is this video my friend came across when we were in 11th standard. Its quite famous and is about a Japanese game that was then translated by some Japanese nut jobs into English. Watch the video for what I would like to call Classic humor !!

7. As most of you might know, Purple Man is the arch-nemesis of Daredevil. But does anyone have an idea as to why he was named that. Was it because he was always beaten black and blue by Daredevil ?

8. What would the only song in 'Cinderella'-The musical starring 'Rihanna' be ??
Cinderella..ella....ella....ella..ella...(till the end ??!!)

9. Its true Sudhanshu. My blog might just have more visitors than yours. Not because my friend list is endless. But because most of your friends live in a place without internet - Jharkhand !!!

Rihanna and I

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Found the song Umbrella by Rihanna very irritating. So here's my commentary...
DISCLAIMER: I've got nothing against Rihanna or JayZ or their fans. Besides this post ain't all that funny or degrading.
Ahuh ahuh (yea Rihanna)
S: yeah come on girl....

Ahuh ahuh (good girl gone bad)
S: oh yeah, you got me there.

Ahuh ahuh (take three... action)
S: nooooo....Cut !!...once more

Ahuh ahuh
S: any problem macho?? because you've been saying only that all along

No clouds in my storms
S: we dont call it a storm in that case,duh !!

Let it rain, I hydroplane into fame (Rihanna: eh eh)
S: wat?? dude, do you even know what a hydroplane means ???

Come'n down with the dow jones
S: or that ??

When the clouds come we gone
S: Is that english at all ? Oh, damn it. Should have paid more attention to Nishaan's lesson

We rocafella (Rihanna: eh eh)
S: Didn't get that either.

She fly higher than weather
S: how high is your 'weather' exactly ??

And she rocks it better
S: hmmm, maybe i know ;)

You know me
S: hmmm, maybe i don't !! :(

An anticipation for precipitation, stacks chips for the rainy day (Rihanna: eh eh)
S: Huh! Using big words, fella ?!?!

Jay, rain man is back with lil ms.sunshine
S: CAUTION: Calling yourself rain man can be considered gay. Especially when with lil ms.sunshine

Rihanna where you at?
S: Seriously girl, where you at ? Come on and sing, this guys killing me !!

[Verse 1]
You had my heart, and we'll never be world apart
S: Two completely different line, merged into one ?!

Maybe in magazines, but you'll still be my star
S: whatever !!

Baby cause in the dark, you can't see shiny cars
S: Heck! That was one 'eye-opener' !!

And that's when you need me there
S: Why, what you gonna do ?? Its already dark!!........Oh!! naughty, naughty !

With you I'll always share
S: Ok. Iam good.


When the sun shine
S: ahan....

We'll shine together
S: SHINE !!!

Told you I'll be here forever
S: No,No. I want you out of here by morning !!

Said I'll always be your friend
S: just a friend ?! :(

Took an oath imma stick it out 'till the end
S: Oh, I see.

Now that it's raining more than ever
S: Is it ?

Know that we still have each other
S: Naah. It isn't raining 'more than ever' !!

You can stand under my umbrella
S: We are under my roof goddamn it !! I don't need an 'umberella' .

You can stand under my umbrella
(Ella ella eh eh eh)
S: Hello ambulance. Rihanna here has got the fits.

Under my umbrella
(Ella ella eh eh eh)
S: Hurry up goddamn it. She looks very serious.

Under my umbrella
(Ella ella eh eh eh)
S: Oh God. She's gonna die !!!

Under my umbrella
(Ella ella eh eh eh eh eh eh)
S: Noooooooooooo !!!

[Verse 2]
These fancy things, will never come in between
S: Oh! you're still alive !!

You're part of my entity, here for infinity
S: Yeah ?! I like your en'tity' though ! For infinity ?? Sweet !!

When the war has took it's part
S: What war ?

When the world has dealt it's cards
S: No, silly girl. Not everyone on earth knows how to play cards.

If the hand is hard, together we'll mend your heart
S: I don't know about the hand, but something else is hard. *grin*

You can run into my arms
S: Aaaahhh !! *alarmed*

It's okay don't be alarmed
S: O....kay.

So go on and let the rain pour
S: Hey, I didn't call myself rain man. Jay Z did !!

I'll be all you need and more
S: Hope so !!


When the sun shine
S: Yeah ! Yeah !

We'll shine together
S: Ok fine

Told you I'll be here forever
S: Oh come on, get done with it already will you ??

Said I'll always be your friend
S: Oh, God. Not again !!

Took an oath imma stick it out 'till the end
S: You wanna play tough ??

Now that it's raining more than ever
S: Is she dumb or something !!

Know that we still have each other
S: Fine. I give up.

You can stand under my umbrella

You can stand under my umbrella
(Ella ella eh eh eh)

Under my umbrella
(Ella ella eh eh eh)

Under my umbrella
(Ella ella eh eh eh)

Under my umbrella
(Ella ella eh eh eh eh eh eh)

It's raining (raining)
S: Finally.

Ooo baby it's raining
S: It still is ??

Baby come into me
S: What do you mean ?

Come into me
S: No, seriously. I didn't get it.

It's raining (raining)
Ooo baby it's raining
S: Yeah Yeah. Blah Blah. All that crap. But what did you say before.

You can always come into me
S: What ?

Come into me...
S: Oh no no, silly .... I am using condoms.

Thursday, June 5, 2008

G-Talk and the T.B

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We called him T.B. for obvious reasons that he looked like a T.B. patient. Correction : Looks
And this is what he does during a chat instance !!

Sudarsan: wat ??

: nothing

: wat ?
r u goin nutters ?
y would u send me my blog's link ?

T.B: wait


: wats that ?
who's no. is that ?

T.B: dhanashekaran

Sudarsan: who is that ? wat r u trying to convey?
is this a puzzle?
is this his number ?
wat am i supposed to find ?
answer me, u idiot

T.B: wait da
optical mouse
mouse pad

Sudarsan : what, do u want one ??
how the f*** do u think i can help u ?
iam in guw dude !!

T.B: Rs. 250 only

Sudarsan: i give up !!
wat is it ??

T.B: hey!
i din't have notepad open
so i just typed in this

Sudarsan: son of a b***h
mother fu**er
oh goddamn u

T.B: and i typed www and pasted the text on your status msg so i could click on it and it would open a window automatically!

i hate u

T.B: lol
why you tensioning so much??

: u hav wasted five of my minutes which i dont bother abt
but cutting my nose in the end
like THIS ??

T.B: :D

oh yes
u hav
u r now OFFICAILLY this (| |) close to getting KILLED
but yeah that was funny
but temme seriously...
how long would it have taken u to open a note pad ??

T.B: i have to press Window Key plus R
too far away
and i might've had to use two hands
plus you're a loser and i thought i'd make you feel important for a change

: sob
btw u DID make me feel imp

T.B: lol
kidding :)


T.B: gotta make a coupla calls

: sure
go ahead

Th'-th'-th'-th'-th'-th'-that's All, Folks!"

You can call it plaguarism ... I call it paying homage !!!

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Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy birthday!", and possibly have a present for me.As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy birthday".I thought... well, that's marriage for you, but the kids will remember. My kids ate breakfast and didn't say a word.So when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary, Jane said, "Good morning boss, happy birthday!"

It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.I worked until one o'clock and then Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday, let's go out to lunch, just you and me".

I said, "Thanks Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"

We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. We dined instead at a little place with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.On the way back to the office,

Jane said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go back to the office, do we?"

I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?"

She said, "Let's go to my apartment".

After arriving at her apartment Jane turned to me and said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for a moment. I'll be right back".

"OK", I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake... followed by my wife, kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday".

And I just sat there...

On the couch...


--There. Finally I payed my homage to ... uh....to ...er !! ... goddamn it , i got 20200 hits showing the exact same story on Google. Like Shekhar would have said : ' Its the internet dude... you don't pay homages to the internet !!'

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

Would you like to "Rumble" ??

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Rumble - the word for today...
How I arrived at 'rumble' for my word of today is a long story which would make up my very first blog entry. I did try my hand at blogging before, only to eventually get bored due to lack of enthusiasm (personally and from visitors). I guess that was because i used to write on the events that happened in my lobby which should have been censored, and so because of the absurd material, viewers just ignored my blog to express their concern. And hence came the idea of 'rumbling around'. But just in case you want to check out my old blog (though i advise you not to), check out my profile.
So, coming back to the point, why 'rumble' ?? The answer, unfortunately would again point towards the lobby's gaming efforts. But, thats where our story starts.
'A' and 'B', both being fans of Fifa 08 were discussing the lyrics of one of the songs that appears on the playlist of Fifa08, which 'B' liked a lot. The song was called 'Ali in the Jungle' by The Hours. One of the lines which is repeated quite a lot through out the song went like 'Everybody gets *********' and this was the topic of the conversation. Both of them had a doubt as to what the line was. 'A' being a nymphomaniac suggested it could be 'Everybody gets the girl'. But instead it turned out to be 'Everybody gets knocked down'.
The song, as is evident from the title and the line I mentioned, is about a boxing match which I later discovered was called the 'Rumble in the Jungle' which featured Mohd. Ali vs George Foreman. And the reason it was called that was because it was held in Zaire (a jungli country).
As a matter of fact, it was in this match that Ali went on to be crowned world champion for the second time. The reason I am mentioning all this crap is because at the end of the song, a radio commentary is played, and this moved me a lot. This commentary was the actual one that was recorded at the event and can be heard and the end of this video. (and the fights a worthwhile watch considering the ignorance of the average Indian.)

Anyways, speaking of rumble also made me remember this wonderful game I came across a few years back. Its helluva addictive and makes you wonder how b'lliant these coders ought to be !!!.
And its called 'Rumble' Box.


My high score : 10450
Beat that !!

Sunday, June 1, 2008


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Some of my favorite blogs. Worth a read and I have to admit, they do influence the way I write. So if you like my blog, or even otherwise, I am quite sure you'll like these.

  • Praveen Unplugged - Tamizh makkale... vaazhungal... vandhu magizunghal... Unplugged? Totally !!

And also to go with them are some of my friends' blogs.

And some blogs that provide really good help for blog designing.