What is this Euro coming to ?!!

Seriously, what is this Euro coming to ? If you want to make a competition of such panache, such fervor, such passion into a hit you have got to play the favourites in the semi-finals. Not so so teams like Russia or Turkey. Mr. Blatter, next time fix the matches so that only the favourites reach the top four !! Oh, o.k. fine. I was hoping Holland would go on to win this edition after seeing the way they thrashed France(my fav, btw) and Italy.

It was like Holland was destined to win. They were crowned winners even before the match started. The players were jumping in joy as they entered the field. You could see it in their eyes, the pride of having reached the semi-finals. Just that they didn't. So, where did they screw up. After topping the group of death so convincingly, where did they go wrong ? The team didn't make any mistakes, just one traitor did. Guus Hiddink. You can't possibly think that it was all Holland's fault. Russia played amazingly well. After having rendered important Oranje players like Sneijder virtually useless from the very beggining, it was quite surprising that they actually scored quite late in the game. Not to forget the beautiful reply by Holland. The game however went into extra time and then two goals in quick succession left Oranje go blue. And what's with the cascade of goals. Every second match seems to have an unwritten rule that goals have to be scored in cascades, one after the other after the other, in quick succession or else they won't be counted. And mind it, only towards the end of the match, so as to build a suspense for the world-wide viewers. Eventually, the 'winners' were weeping on the field like a bunch of school children and the 'losers' were ecstatic !!

After all this, we wonder did Holland play all that well before. They won against two heavy-weights by huge margins of 3 goals. But can the French and Italian team be considered heavy-weights. Both the teams have had their fair share in the spotlight for playing the oldies. On one hand, the French team was filled with romantic fools who just couldn't bring themselves to kick the ball, because they were so in love with it. This I suppose would be reason enough as to why they scored just one goal in the entire tournament. So where do the goals come from?
French arbit player's reply : Oh !! Passing ze ball to ze other team players is zo romantic !!!
French supporter : Kick ze ball. Whaz are you zoin fatso !!
Italian supporter : It is Fattuso !!

And the Italians on the other hand were like a bunch of mafia lords with their grim serious faces.
So much so that this is how I imagine a situation would have been in the last match of Group-C
Gattuso : I don't think I like this man.
Some arbit French player: Oh, you looks zo romantic in zat shorts gattuso !!
Gattuso : I don't like this man.
Pirlo : (with his fingers folded as if it were a gun) BAM BAM BAM !!!
Gattuso : Where is your gun, you moron !! Look what you've done. Now, I've got to make him an offer he can't resist. Hmmm. What shall I offer ??
The arbit French player : How about your shorts. Zey look very beauuutifuuull.
Gattuso : Hey. You keep away from my shorts. I'll keep away from your family !!(suddenly becoming alert)Hey, you bring the ball any closer, I'll blow your head away.
After all, you can't blame the French for being a peace-loving country.

*Sigh*. May the best team win.

The Love Hexagonal (Trailer)

(On green screen)The following PREVIEW has been approved for "All audiences who have not yet lost their funny bones entirely to the fake comedian called Adam Sandler", by the Motion Picture Association of Andhapurathu Maharaaja.


The 21st Century Ho(a)x logo appears on the screen with the theme heard, followed by the Amazon KaattuVaasi Sangam Films Ltd. logo with their native war cry heard. The main "The Love Geometrical Figure No.X" theme is heard.

A handsome M.S. and a not-so-beautiful whore are sitting in a restaurant.
M.S: I have always thought you were too weak-hearted for love, Paris.
Paris:(angrily) Too flirty is what I would call it !! Bye bye M.S. (Pours wine all over his arse/rear bumper.) That should make you rusty for a while !!

An evil echoing laughter is heard as the scene fades out and into a brightly lit room, covered with pictures of M.S. in various situations and a few of Will Smith and Michael Jackson. Lots of men are seated around a table.
Carlos: Are you sure, he isn't gay ?
Black Man1: (looks at camera) Are you being a racist ?
Mr. Garrison: What do we do now, Macho.
M.M: (from behind a screen) I don't care. But I'll get my REVENGEEEEEEEEAAAAA.......aaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!!!

Scene switched to the same room but not at same time. This time the men are all standing as if a ceremony is in place. As the camera swirls around the crowd we can see a lot of pants having large blotches of what seems like blood.
Carlos: The first rule of Tight(pants)Club is, you do not talk about the Tight(Pants)Club.
The camera swirls all over the place and clips of men walking hand in hand are seen.
Carlos: The second rule of Tight(Pants)Club is, you do not talk about the Tight(Pants)Club.

AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
S.S wakes up violently from her sleep.
S.S: I need to find out where he is. I didn't go to Harvard for nothing !!

Music picks up pace.
A God-like, booming voice. Wait, its not God, its Cher. : From the makers of "My Girlfriend must be Crazy" and "Rate Me a 6 on 5, Please".

A lonely beach where M.S. seems to be enjoying peace finally.

Cher: And from the Mokkademy Award Winning director of 'The Love Triangle' comes the second installation.

The same beach but M.S. turns left and sees hundreds and hundreds of babes in bikinis running towards him.

Cher: Mokkademy Award nominee Super-Star M.S. in his best.

M.S. turns right and sees Carlos and the Tight(Pants)Club members running towards him. (M.M. is seen far away doing something which is not clearly visible.)

The Love Hexagonal

-Cause, three two's are six.

The Director appears sitting on a chair while his unit is seen to be working behind him.
Director : When every goddamn Hollywood production can have a sequel, why not mine ??

Cher: With special scenes introduced by the Director showing how to make love...ah... hmmm...sorry...showing how to love.


Releasing this summer (in French too as 'The GangBang') in theatres near you.

Musings of a stoned mind

DISCLAIMER : This article(as far as women are concerned) is extremely S.T.A.L.E - STay Away for the Love of Earth, R.A.W - Read, Away Women and C.H.E.A.P - Chase Her highnEss Away. Period. (no pun intended). Its content can be considered highly inappropriate for women in general, and especially women with weak hearts or S.T.A.L.Er mouths. I take no responsibility for any emotional harm or broken hearts caused by this article, though I don't understand the difference between the two. Any law suits as a consequence of this article shall be held null and void if under the "Court of Sparkles" and any trial held therein shall be considered a waste of time.


We are here, my dear men (hoping that all women are/will be warded off by the disclaimer), to see if today's Indian Women, are really all that socially evolved. In a country that has a taboo on all actions/words even remotely related to sex, be it pre-marital sex, teenage pregnancies(don't they mean the same ??), strip tease clubs(What ? come awn, just because you are in India doesn't mean you cannot know what that is ?), whore house, sex education(hey it didn't exist until 10 yrs back !), I guess this is how a 19 yr old, stoned mind will think.

Do you think women are all that evolved with their odd talks about opening your minds to your soul-mate,relishing one another, all the iggy-wiggy stuff that goes on up there ? (I take it that you didn't even get what I was talking about.) And I'll tell you what, do women have to consider themselves socially advanced because of this in-built defect(as I would like to call it). I would say no.

Not forgetting that we are actually taking the case of Indian women here, let me quote an example from the Indian scriptures where it is stated that there was a time in India when Indian women were free to make to love to whomever they wished. Take the example of Mahabharath. How do you think Ved Vyas was born. And his sons Pandu, Dhritarashtra or Karna for that matter. It is in fact said that men returning from work could know if their wives were free to recieve them only if they didn't spot another man's slippers at his door-step. It was because of the Muslim invasion and the "missionary style" of Christianity that changed it all, that one man married one woman, that India changed, that all Indian women started talking bull-crap.

Its true that we men think from our genitals, but people, we are here to reproduce and fill up Earth. Let's do what we are here for !! Yes, we consider flirting, soul-searching, blah blah as nonsense. And just so you know the same with cuddling. We talk too. But through out eyes. When we give women that sleazy look, we mean to ask, "Will you go to bed with me ?". But no, women can't understand such highly complicated rocket science can they. And even if they do, just to show off their in-born capability, they have to talk you out of it, saying not all women appreciate our eye-signs and that since she was sex-deprived she came, or else no one would have. Making you feel like a sore looser.

Imagine, if Venus was packed with women ready to be shipped of to Earth, how would Mars be. NO, you gay bastards. Not that way. I meant the no-nonsense, free, meaningful world full of small pleasures. Enjoying the early morning walks, the beautiful gardens, the pestering insects, not with a woman, going hay wire about how her friend wanted to take her extra pass to an Oprah show, but a silent man who will enjoy these with you. Happy now? You've made me sound gay !!



P.S : I am not gay !

P.P.S : If you are a woman and have still reached this line, then, it was Sudhanshu's fault. He induced me to write this. Besides I do not have the bollocks to write this. I may not be free to take your comments, whereas, he is.

P.P.P.S : Hey ! Seriously. I am NOT gay !

Chat over Kaapi

S: Hey K !! How you doin ?
K: Hi da venna (in Eng: Hi butter !!)(in Hindi: oi makhann !!)(for the general Tamil challenged public: just a way of greeting)
S: What ?
K: That's what my girlfriend calls me.
S: Whoa. But why ?
K: Because I taste well with bread and jam!!..I don't know.
S: So, did you see yesterday's match ?
K: Hmmm.Yeah. But a cheesy finish.
S: What's with the dairy products ?
K: What's with all these questions ? Wanna milk some answers out of me !!!
S: Forget it. So do you watch a lot of cricket.
K: Not much. Why ?
S: I wanted to know what reverse swing was ?
K: But I don't know.
S: Hey, come on. You must be knowing.
K: hmmmm, let's see. Its like, when the bowlers is running real slow.
S: Slow ?!
K: Yeah, mind it. Real slow. That's basically to conserve energy so as to throw the ball real fast.
S: Fast ?!
K: Yeah. And then, the ball gets in a time warp,
S: Time warp ?!
K: And then before you know it, if you get hit in places you consider "too sacred to be hit", your head spins a little. Its like you are on a swing, but gravity seems to be acting from the top. Hence, reverse swing. And when I came to know about this, I was like "No Way. This is a really good way of getting high".
S: Oh! So, what kind of a high do you exactly feel out of weed ?
K: Oh man. You a hippie? Weed doesn't get you high. It makes you feel sleepy.
S: Oh crap !
K: No....... Just sleepy.
S: Forget it.
K: So, did you watch Indiana Jones ?
S: Yeah, unfortunately.
K: Why ?
S: Bollywood produces better movies. The stunt director must have been the one they use for Govinda.
K: Does he even have a stunt director ?
S: Must have one. Was thinking 300 made a better watch. I atleast slept through that !!
K: O.K man. I've got to go. So, ciao.
S: Hey, listen. I had this dream in which I went to class without any clothes on. So...
K: I can tell if your naked.
S: Anyone can. I want you to tell me.
K: That's what I meant.
S: Oh.

The Love Triangle

We all know women have their hearts filled with love for their men (provided they have one(I meant the heart) and provided they are straight.). It's different in the case of men though. We have to divide our love amongst various things.

An Average Male's Love Chart

And as you can see, maintaining the balance is tough work.
Jokes apart, what would happen if one of man's longest surviving lover (apart from women), cars had a humanness in them ?

Perhaps there is a Macho Man(M.M) in the most hip night club of Las Anjale (read as L.A.,California) and his girl, the blonde Sexy Slut(S.S), who just loves Macho for 'what he is'. Perhaps Macho has a hip, gas-guzzling, 375 bhp, V-8, 2200 cc Mustang Shelby Eleanor(M.S). Fear not ladies, its just a car !!. Perhaps Shelby's got a heart too, and perhaps he likes The Blonde too. Here's what could happen at the entrance of the 'hip' (i just love using that word !) night club trying to woo the chick.

M.M: Come on bitch, let's go dance !
S.S: Wait .... I think your car's trying to tell me something.
M.M: What are you dumb ?
S.S: Duh!!! I mean, What did you call me ??
M.M: Yeah, I do say my Princess roars...but she can't talk !!
M.S: I am a he.
M.M: What's with your voice, you slutty goose (in case I had forgotten to mention before, M.M has been turning gay for quite some time now, due to unknown reasons and hence the expression)
S.S: It wasn't me, macho maniac (no she ain't gay, just blonde)
M.S: It was me.
M.M: Aaaaahhh...My cars talking. Oh crazy Lord. Whats happening to me.
M.S: Nothing. It's just that I can talk.
M.M: Well, what do you know. A talking car.(to himself) Maybe I would be able to make a fortune out of it. But who's gonna buy him. Maybe Carlos would buy him. Oh Carlos, you would buy him won't you, buddy. Oh man, I can see Carlos ass sitting on this very seat. His round, tight ass. Ooohhh. (Turns around and starts jerking off.)
M.S: Listen lady Slut. I love you to the core of my engine. You are the only fuel I will need to succeed in a race called life.
S.S: Oh, ain't that sweet Macho.
M.M: aaahhhh !!
M.S: I need a change in life. I want to get away from my machine self and be the human I always wanted to be. And I need you to help.
S.S: But we just gave you that change. We had your radio-thingy changed.
M.S: Why don't you understand me !! Huh? Radio-thingy? Oh you mean radiator.
S.S: Whatever. And we even had your pistols repaired.(alarmed) Macho, I think he's got that pistol with him now. I am scared Macho, help.
M.M: aaaaaahhhhhhh!!
M.S: What ? Pistol ? Oh, you mean a piston !! No. No. I don't have a pistol. I am clean.
S.S: Of course you'll be clean,honey. Remember that soap wash I gave you while Macho was talking photos of me.
M.S: He was taking photos of the painter working next door. Not you !!
M.M: aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!
M.S: But don't you remember ? We've had our own fun too, when you went up and down my gear handle.
S.S: Why, you remember that, naughty boy ! But what's that supposed to mean to you.
M.S: Wellll. Lets say man:penis::car:gear handle !!
S.S: What's that supposed to mean, rocket scientist.
M.M: AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
M.S: It means you have already had sex with me !!
S.S: Oh. So if I've been your slut once......I guess I can be your slut..... forever.
M.S: Alright !!!!!
S.S: (as she is getting into the car) You know what. Macho's been acting weird. He doesn't even get turned on by me anymore. Maybe he's getting old.
M.S:(frustrated) You know what. Phuck you, dumb bitch. I don't need this human crap. I was content being a car. And Iam goin back.

M.S. drives away without her. M.M zips up and takes S.S. to the night club only to later break up with her (by convincing her that she was gay) and spend the night at Carlos' home.

Disclaimer : All characters in this post, even those based on real people, are entirely fictional.